ICE Magazine - Winter 2009

(Okay, so I know it's been a while since I've written anything. I've been waiting on the new issue of ICE Magazine to come out so that I could post my newest article. Well now it's out and here's the article. If you get a chance, check out the website http://www.myicemagazine.com/ . My article's on page 12 of the winter issue.)

What's In an Age?

Mark Twain once said, “The first half of life consists of the capacity to enjoy without the chance; the last half consists of the chance without the capacity.” Well these girls might have a few choice words for Mr. Twain and if he were still with us I’m pretty sure they’d slam him into the boards a few times for his comments on aging.

Every year women from all across the United States come together and duke it out so that they can hold the proud honor of being crowned #1 in the 50 and up women’s national tournament held near Tampa, FL. That’s right…50 and up. Some women hit 50 and start preparing for a relaxing retirement, they begin to step away from the table and start cashing in their chips. Well these ladies aren’t. They’re ordering another Crown and Coke and doubling down on a weak hand with the dealer showing twenty. If you haven’t picked up the gambling metaphors, they’re doing all the things that society tends to think they’re not capable of at their age or that they shouldn’t do and they’re doing them well. After certain people in the hockey community said it couldn’t be done, Norm Dann and others with the Florida Old Timers Hockey Association have put together a tournament that makes dreams come true and that brings people together in a way that only the game of hockey can. I recently had a chance to sit down and talk to Norm, who is originally from the Niagra Falls area in Canada and is currently living in Florida. You see Norm knows a thing or two about beating the odds. He’s 71 years of age and is still suiting up to play several times a week. A couple years ago, after hearing a little local chatter, Norm felt confident that there were women out there that wanted an opportunity to play in a tournament like this. He proceeded to drive his point home with USA Hockey in 2007 when he helped organize the first event in Brandon, FL which consisted of four teams. Since that time the tournament has blossomed and grown to seven teams in 2008 and they are hoping to have a dozen teams in the event that is scheduled for April of 2009.

Norm told me that while the tournament was established to be highly competitive, it’s also set up for everybody to have a great time. You can enjoy some good competition and a healthy dose of camaraderie during the day and then join your teammates later that evening and take in one of the most truly amazing sunsets you will ever see on the nearby beach in St. Pete. Another great aspect of the tournament is the round-robin format. It’s definitely exciting because it crowns a champion but also guarantees each team at least three games regardless of their squad’s strength or ranking. When I asked Norm where all the 50 and up players were coming from I expected to hear that most of these ladies grew up playing the game and were currently playing in their local leagues all across the country. However, I was surprised to find out that a lot of the women had been former hockey moms that used to sit and freeze their butts off while their kids took to the ice. Now the kids are all grown up and they’ve decided to take their turn.

I had the pleasure of talking to one of these former hockey moms who is hoping to play in the upcoming tournament in Florida. Nancy Little is 51 years old, lives in Indiana and plays on a couple of different teams. She’s consumed with the game, and for good reason. Nancy’s family has a history of rheumatoid arthritis, which is a painful disorder that causes inflammation and tissue damage in joints and tendons among a long list of other problems. She’s seen first-hand what this horrible illness can do and has had to look on as some of her loved ones lives have been cut short due to its effects. She saw the ugly path that laid before her and decided to take a different route. You see, Nancy had what she believes to be a mid-life crisis but instead of buying a new Corvette, she opted for a stick and a pair of skates.

Nancy has found what appears to be the fountain of youth as well as a great form of preventative medicine in the game of hockey. She talked to me about the symptoms she was seeing and the aches and pains she was feeling before she got into the game. By her own account the pain and symptoms subsided after she decided to lace up her skates and get on the ice. Personally, I think Nancy’s on to something. Imagine how much this sport could grow among women in the 30 and up demographic if it were seen as an alternative to busting your ass on a treadmill or stationary bike for hours at a time just to come back the next day and run in place again. Women everywhere would throw down their i-pod and put on some gloves…They would take the headphones out of their ears and put on a helmet…Last but not least, they would toss out those goofy looking running shoes that look like they could double for a new box spring and they would pick up a pair of skates. I can see it now, bumper stickers and t-shirts with some kind of extreme catch phrase like, “Save a life…Hit the ice!”, printed across them. Sorry I’m going off on a little bit of a tangent, (although I might look into copywriting that catch phrase).

Nancy would go on to tell me, “Hockey is a sport that women can do even when they’re much older than I am…it’s a little easier on your knees and your joints than some of the other sports that you might do. It’s kept me younger…emotionally, physically, mentally younger. ” This is one of the reasons she is spear-heading the effort to get a women’s hockey division in the Senior Olympics. Nancy also told me that by far one of the greatest things about being a former hockey mom who has now become a player, is that she’s become even closer with her daughter. She’s even had the opportunity to share the ice with her daughter as a teammate, and that is something that she will always cherish.

One of the biggest things that Nancy and Norm both stressed in our conversations is that they look forward to seeing more women on the ice. They know that there are a lot more women in the 50 and up demographic who would love to play if they knew there were leagues and tournaments out there for them. So here’s the deal readers, Nancy and Norm are doing their part. They’ll be the first ones to say this article was fun but it hasn’t been written to make them look like heroes. This article was written in the hope that one of you will put down this issue, (after reading the rest of the articles first of course), and go tell somebody…anybody about the opportunity to play women’s hockey regardless of their age. Women’s hockey can grow beyond your wildest belief but it’s only going to work if it starts from within.

How can they find out more? Well, Nancy and Norm both said that the easiest way to get involved in the game is to contact your local rinks and find out what they’ve got going on. Norm also said that they are always looking for more players and sponsors for the tournaments in Florida. Below is contact information for anyone looking to get involved in either the national tournament held in Florida or the Women’s Hockey Division in the Senior Olympics.

Norm Dann - old.puck@juno.com
Nancy Little - stinkysiren45@yahoo.com

P.S. - For all you ladies out there 50 and up that are thinking about playing, I leave you with these final thoughts… “Save a life…Hit the ice!”

Blog Update

I'm sure everyone couldn't wait to see what kind of absolute nonsense I planned on writing about this week and I apologize for not posting. The plan was, and still is, to post my newest published article with ICE magazine as this week's post. Hopefully, it will be posted on the magazine's website before the end of the weekend so that I can put a copy of the final draft on here as well. Don't be scared, next week everything will be back to normal. You guys will be reading my typical style post and wondering what I was thinking when I got the influence to write it.

Have a fantastic weekend!

The Answer!

I’ve been a little bogged down lately because our world is filled with so many problems. We’ve got global warming, over population, economic problems, teen pregnancy…well the list is too long to type. I keep wishing that I could go back to that time of innocence when the world seemed to just pass me by like a friendly acquaintance. It would say, “Hey, how’s it goin’?”, but it wouldn’t hassle me with the troubles that were abounding in its’ own existence. Those were the days! I could be totally satisfied with life so long as I could watch the Cubs day game on WGN with an ICEE and a peanut butter and jelly sandwich. The world was much simpler. Michael Jackson wasn’t a pedophile, baseball didn’t need congressional hearings, Pee Wee’s Playhouse wasn’t an adult theatre, and the Mickey Mouse Club wasn’t quite as gay. What the hell happened?!!!

I guess maybe this is just all part of growing up. Maybe adulthood is supposed to suck. But what if the answer to all of the world’s problems is back in that time of innocence? What if we were supposed to take a little bit of that childish atmosphere and combine it with what’s going on today to make this world a better place? The world might turn out quite different…quite different indeed.

I think the answer to all of our problems will be solved once we can figure out how to reanimate the dead. I know what you’re all thinking, “Wow! I was following this guy for a second but now he’s totally lost me.” Just hang with me for a minute and you’ll see where this is going. You see, if we could bring the dead back to life we could take the reanimated zombie corpse of Walt Disney and make him supreme ruler of all the land. Now, before this goes too far, I should say that I didn’t know him personally so some of his beliefs might make this a bad thing. That being said I think he could probably do a lot for society. Just think what the world would be like if he ran it like one of his magical theme parks…

• Obesity would no longer be an issue in our country. The average man can’t afford to eat at any of his current parks as it is. It’s the ultimate crash diet.
  
• Global warming wouldn’t be an issue because he could equip all the areas of the park with those industrial size fans that blow a cool mist over everything.
  
• Suicide rates would have to go down because depression and boredom would be a thing of the past.
  
• There would be a lot more jobs and the workplace would be a lot more exciting with all the pirates, dwarfs and wild animals.
  
• Unwanted pregnancies would cease to exist. (Seriously, would you have unprotected sex after seeing all those little monsters nagging and throwing tantrums because their parents wouldn’t buy them personalized mouse ears?)
  
• Over population wouldn’t loom over us anymore. All the poor people would die off because they wouldn’t be able to afford the price of admission.
  

The great Dr. King once said, “I have a dream.” Well I do too. Mine consists of every man having a water park in their backyard...everyone’s dog can talk and help with the housework...mice are no longer considered a pest, but instead a valuable part of the family...and the only arguments and debates our government officials will have is where to put the new rollercoaster.

I know, we’re a long ways off and Walt hasn’t agreed to do it yet…It’s just a thought.

The Job Hunt

With the world’s markets dipping as low as they’ve ever been, good job opportunities have been scarce. I’ve been searching for a job myself recently and there doesn’t seem to be anything good out there. I searched careerbuilder.com, Monster, all the job boards you’d think to look on and there’s just nothing available. I couldn’t figure out why the absence of work had seemingly forced itself on the American people overnight. Then as if to say, “hey stupid…open your eyes”, it hit me like a ton of bricks.
You see, back in the day people had to search for jobs via the news paper. Then came the internet and job seekers had a new outlet. Well it’s not that there aren’t jobs out there. It’s just that there’s a new trend emerging. There’s a new source for the common man that will help him attain a satisfying career in the field of his choosing. Surprisingly, that source is reality television.
With a little luck you could become the next top model or possibly work for Donald Trump. Maybe you want to be a chef or clothing designer. There’s a show for that too and here’s the good news…THEY’RE CONSTANTLY HIRING! (Well, technically just once a season.) It seems that there’s a show for every profession available. Have you ever dreamed of being a professional football player but then woke up to the realization that you’re overweight, never played college ball, and you’re already older than any other player in the NFL. Well break out the pads and cleats because Jerry Jones is about to come calling. That’s right, there’s a rumor spreading around that the Dallas Cowboys are looking for new talent and it could be you.

This new trend is so overwhelming that people everywhere, who are seemingly secure in their career status, have started living their lives in a way to mimic their favorite shows. Just take a look around you. Here’s a list of some famous people and their favorite shows:

Rod Blagojevich – Deal or No Deal

Michael Jackson – Little People Big World

Bill Clinton – Wife Swap

Tom Cruise – UFO Hunters

Dick Cheney – Scare Tactics

Okay, that list was total B.S. I just wanted an excuse to type the name Blagojevich. What a great last name! It sounds like it should be some kind of common profanity used over in Czechlosovakia. Actually, I don’t even think that’s a country anymore. Oh well you get my point.

Well this is my second post and I’m already turning in work over an hour late. I was planning on having a new post every Monday. I guess we’ll just make that a tentative deadline.

*** Also I forgot to post a link to my work with ICE Magazine. You can view the most current issue of the magazine at myicemagazine.com . My article is on page 64.

My Insomnia's not the problem, my cable provider is!

Millions of people across our great nation are plagued every night by a vicious disease. It’s a disease that not only prohibits healthy sleeping habits but also causes depression and a lack of confidence in their sexual relationships. This illness is known as the dreaded infomercial. As many of you already know, paid programming dominates cable television between the hours of 3am and 6am. It just so happens that these are the hours in which we are the most vulnerable. We’re alone, bored, and searching for answers to some of life’s most perplexing questions. Where do we turn during these “quiet hours”? We turn to the television of course. However, instead of seeing what kind of scheme Charlie’s cooking up on “Two & a Half Men” or seeing what normal everyday situation “Seinfield” is confronted with today, we’re forced to hear about girls that are going wild for just $9.99 or how the Shamwow can replace the world’s need for paper towels thus making our life more exciting and our relationships more fulfilling. I personally have two favorites, the first of which being the extenze pill. Even if men didn’t have a complex about size and sexual performance they certainly will after watching an hour of this garbage. My other favorite is actually two separate commercials basically pitching the same product, the healing prayer cloth and the miracle manna. Somehow a televangelist named Peter Popoff, who looks like he belongs in the cast of Goodfellas, is actually convincing people that if they buy these blessed items they will receive healing powers and wealth beyond their wildest dreams. I’m not buying it for a second. I tell you what though, I will buy whatever he was rubbing or eating when he came up with this genius scam. Where do we turn and who do we confront about this itchy rash afflicting our programming schedule? The cable companies would point to Nick-at-Night or Poker After Dark. But let’s be honest, there’s only so many reruns of Rosanne a person can watch before they start drinking the cleaning supplies that are under their sink and I’m pretty sure that I’d rather pass a kidney stone than watch 3 hours of a televised card game involving people that aren’t really risking anything because they’re already millionaires. People don’t have any options. We’re eventually going to be forced to start reading again. Therefore, I’m leaving this up to the readers. Post some comments and give some feedback. What do you want on television during these hours? Even if you’re not an insomniac, keep in mind your suggestion could save a life or at least stop one of us from having to open a book. By the way I know that this is completely off topic but I love how this website lists my readers as “followers”. I feel like the leader of a cult. You think they could’ve chosen a better word…but until they do keep hanging on my every word because the mothership is watching. And don’t you want to be on board when this world comes to an end?

So this is what I've decided to do with my spare time.

Welcome one and all! First and foremost, this is and always will be a constant work in progress. I've recently come to the realization that I'm great at coming up with all kinds of amazing projects and ideas. However, I'm terrible at seeing them through until the end. I had a great idea a few months back to gather my ideas in some form of writing. This, of course, evolved into a screenplay...which turned into a novel...which transformed itself into a self-help video series...which gave way to a really poor attempt at stand-up comedy...and finally looked as though it would end up as one of those completely pointless books that you always find on coffee tables in model homes. You know the ones I'm talking about, no one actually reads them but everyone is quick to flip through the pages as if to say, "Hmmm, I don't really care about your thoughts or ideas but I do respect your right to publish them." People love to have these ridiculous wastes of paper and ink handy whenever they're faced with extreme boredom or put into an awkward situation. I've even caught myself staring at the cover of several books thinking, "Wow this hard back book on Mediterranean Architecture sure would be great for the coffee table." So after all the soul searching and self loathing, as well as some good advice from a close friend, I've decided to turn to this and embrace my disfunction. It's truly beautiful. I can literally write on here the rest of my life and never finish anything, yet somehow it will still be considered a success. So for anyone that reads this please understand that sometimes it may seem a little jumbled and scatter-brained and every now and again it may read a little like a poor imitation of a Hunter S. Thompson memoir, but it comes from the heart. Enjoy.