My Insomnia's not the problem, my cable provider is!

Millions of people across our great nation are plagued every night by a vicious disease. It’s a disease that not only prohibits healthy sleeping habits but also causes depression and a lack of confidence in their sexual relationships. This illness is known as the dreaded infomercial. As many of you already know, paid programming dominates cable television between the hours of 3am and 6am. It just so happens that these are the hours in which we are the most vulnerable. We’re alone, bored, and searching for answers to some of life’s most perplexing questions. Where do we turn during these “quiet hours”? We turn to the television of course. However, instead of seeing what kind of scheme Charlie’s cooking up on “Two & a Half Men” or seeing what normal everyday situation “Seinfield” is confronted with today, we’re forced to hear about girls that are going wild for just $9.99 or how the Shamwow can replace the world’s need for paper towels thus making our life more exciting and our relationships more fulfilling. I personally have two favorites, the first of which being the extenze pill. Even if men didn’t have a complex about size and sexual performance they certainly will after watching an hour of this garbage. My other favorite is actually two separate commercials basically pitching the same product, the healing prayer cloth and the miracle manna. Somehow a televangelist named Peter Popoff, who looks like he belongs in the cast of Goodfellas, is actually convincing people that if they buy these blessed items they will receive healing powers and wealth beyond their wildest dreams. I’m not buying it for a second. I tell you what though, I will buy whatever he was rubbing or eating when he came up with this genius scam. Where do we turn and who do we confront about this itchy rash afflicting our programming schedule? The cable companies would point to Nick-at-Night or Poker After Dark. But let’s be honest, there’s only so many reruns of Rosanne a person can watch before they start drinking the cleaning supplies that are under their sink and I’m pretty sure that I’d rather pass a kidney stone than watch 3 hours of a televised card game involving people that aren’t really risking anything because they’re already millionaires. People don’t have any options. We’re eventually going to be forced to start reading again. Therefore, I’m leaving this up to the readers. Post some comments and give some feedback. What do you want on television during these hours? Even if you’re not an insomniac, keep in mind your suggestion could save a life or at least stop one of us from having to open a book. By the way I know that this is completely off topic but I love how this website lists my readers as “followers”. I feel like the leader of a cult. You think they could’ve chosen a better word…but until they do keep hanging on my every word because the mothership is watching. And don’t you want to be on board when this world comes to an end?