The Job Hunt

With the world’s markets dipping as low as they’ve ever been, good job opportunities have been scarce. I’ve been searching for a job myself recently and there doesn’t seem to be anything good out there. I searched careerbuilder.com, Monster, all the job boards you’d think to look on and there’s just nothing available. I couldn’t figure out why the absence of work had seemingly forced itself on the American people overnight. Then as if to say, “hey stupid…open your eyes”, it hit me like a ton of bricks.
You see, back in the day people had to search for jobs via the news paper. Then came the internet and job seekers had a new outlet. Well it’s not that there aren’t jobs out there. It’s just that there’s a new trend emerging. There’s a new source for the common man that will help him attain a satisfying career in the field of his choosing. Surprisingly, that source is reality television.
With a little luck you could become the next top model or possibly work for Donald Trump. Maybe you want to be a chef or clothing designer. There’s a show for that too and here’s the good news…THEY’RE CONSTANTLY HIRING! (Well, technically just once a season.) It seems that there’s a show for every profession available. Have you ever dreamed of being a professional football player but then woke up to the realization that you’re overweight, never played college ball, and you’re already older than any other player in the NFL. Well break out the pads and cleats because Jerry Jones is about to come calling. That’s right, there’s a rumor spreading around that the Dallas Cowboys are looking for new talent and it could be you.

This new trend is so overwhelming that people everywhere, who are seemingly secure in their career status, have started living their lives in a way to mimic their favorite shows. Just take a look around you. Here’s a list of some famous people and their favorite shows:

Rod Blagojevich – Deal or No Deal

Michael Jackson – Little People Big World

Bill Clinton – Wife Swap

Tom Cruise – UFO Hunters

Dick Cheney – Scare Tactics

Okay, that list was total B.S. I just wanted an excuse to type the name Blagojevich. What a great last name! It sounds like it should be some kind of common profanity used over in Czechlosovakia. Actually, I don’t even think that’s a country anymore. Oh well you get my point.

Well this is my second post and I’m already turning in work over an hour late. I was planning on having a new post every Monday. I guess we’ll just make that a tentative deadline.

*** Also I forgot to post a link to my work with ICE Magazine. You can view the most current issue of the magazine at myicemagazine.com . My article is on page 64.

My Insomnia's not the problem, my cable provider is!

Millions of people across our great nation are plagued every night by a vicious disease. It’s a disease that not only prohibits healthy sleeping habits but also causes depression and a lack of confidence in their sexual relationships. This illness is known as the dreaded infomercial. As many of you already know, paid programming dominates cable television between the hours of 3am and 6am. It just so happens that these are the hours in which we are the most vulnerable. We’re alone, bored, and searching for answers to some of life’s most perplexing questions. Where do we turn during these “quiet hours”? We turn to the television of course. However, instead of seeing what kind of scheme Charlie’s cooking up on “Two & a Half Men” or seeing what normal everyday situation “Seinfield” is confronted with today, we’re forced to hear about girls that are going wild for just $9.99 or how the Shamwow can replace the world’s need for paper towels thus making our life more exciting and our relationships more fulfilling. I personally have two favorites, the first of which being the extenze pill. Even if men didn’t have a complex about size and sexual performance they certainly will after watching an hour of this garbage. My other favorite is actually two separate commercials basically pitching the same product, the healing prayer cloth and the miracle manna. Somehow a televangelist named Peter Popoff, who looks like he belongs in the cast of Goodfellas, is actually convincing people that if they buy these blessed items they will receive healing powers and wealth beyond their wildest dreams. I’m not buying it for a second. I tell you what though, I will buy whatever he was rubbing or eating when he came up with this genius scam. Where do we turn and who do we confront about this itchy rash afflicting our programming schedule? The cable companies would point to Nick-at-Night or Poker After Dark. But let’s be honest, there’s only so many reruns of Rosanne a person can watch before they start drinking the cleaning supplies that are under their sink and I’m pretty sure that I’d rather pass a kidney stone than watch 3 hours of a televised card game involving people that aren’t really risking anything because they’re already millionaires. People don’t have any options. We’re eventually going to be forced to start reading again. Therefore, I’m leaving this up to the readers. Post some comments and give some feedback. What do you want on television during these hours? Even if you’re not an insomniac, keep in mind your suggestion could save a life or at least stop one of us from having to open a book. By the way I know that this is completely off topic but I love how this website lists my readers as “followers”. I feel like the leader of a cult. You think they could’ve chosen a better word…but until they do keep hanging on my every word because the mothership is watching. And don’t you want to be on board when this world comes to an end?

So this is what I've decided to do with my spare time.

Welcome one and all! First and foremost, this is and always will be a constant work in progress. I've recently come to the realization that I'm great at coming up with all kinds of amazing projects and ideas. However, I'm terrible at seeing them through until the end. I had a great idea a few months back to gather my ideas in some form of writing. This, of course, evolved into a screenplay...which turned into a novel...which transformed itself into a self-help video series...which gave way to a really poor attempt at stand-up comedy...and finally looked as though it would end up as one of those completely pointless books that you always find on coffee tables in model homes. You know the ones I'm talking about, no one actually reads them but everyone is quick to flip through the pages as if to say, "Hmmm, I don't really care about your thoughts or ideas but I do respect your right to publish them." People love to have these ridiculous wastes of paper and ink handy whenever they're faced with extreme boredom or put into an awkward situation. I've even caught myself staring at the cover of several books thinking, "Wow this hard back book on Mediterranean Architecture sure would be great for the coffee table." So after all the soul searching and self loathing, as well as some good advice from a close friend, I've decided to turn to this and embrace my disfunction. It's truly beautiful. I can literally write on here the rest of my life and never finish anything, yet somehow it will still be considered a success. So for anyone that reads this please understand that sometimes it may seem a little jumbled and scatter-brained and every now and again it may read a little like a poor imitation of a Hunter S. Thompson memoir, but it comes from the heart. Enjoy.